BIG HAM

BIG HAM is one of the great grocery shoppers of our time, who Gail had the privilege of encountering while in Brazil.

As the tale is long and covers many tweets, it shall be transcribed here to preserve its true glory. The original story may be found on her timeline on November 10, 2015. The management warns you that every word of this story is (probably) true!

"BRAZILIANS! I have another fascinating, TRUE tale of adventure to tell, but first, I have to ask...is a can called KAISER a kind of beer?

"Okay, then sit back down, Brazilians, and prepare to have your HAIR raised by this TERRIFYING TRUE TALE OF SHOPPING AT THE CARREFOUR!

"So, we had some trouble getting Brazilian cash. The hotel doesn't make change, the ATMs didn't take any of our cards, currency exchange...

"Because we're here for a week and we wanted to have a few little grocery items. Shopping when you don't speak the language can be tough.

"So we find the store, called Carrefour, in the basement of the mall. It's packed, just slammed, long lines at every checker. But unlike...

"...the US, nobody seems to be upset. Some people are singing. It's nice. Everyone's fine. Except for one guy, whom I will call BIG HAM.

"Now, Big Ham is a big guy, he's maybe six four or five, and just big all around. He's maybe fifty, has a full head of lustrous hair.

"But he's in a bit of a hurry, and the checker for the line we chose seemed to be new and was making a lot of mistakes.

"Big Ham is like four customers in front of me. He is getting impatient.. He's not at all rude, but he's clearly got other places to be.

"I look in his cart. He's got three items total. THREE ITEMS, you guys."

[A tweet is missing here, mentioning some sort of bug repellant -- User:Nezchan]

"Eleven cans of KAISER beer.

"A big package of ham.

"I used to play this game, imagining what kind of dishes someone would make from the contents of their grocery basket.

"For Big Ham, all I can think is...this guy wants to drink and have ham, and he doesn't want any bugs ruining the deal.

"And here is where our story takes a turn into the REALM OF THE ODD ODD ODD ODD.

"...right before it's his turn, he REMEMBERS SOMETHING!  His whole face was like, "OH NO, I FORGOT!'  And he rushes out of line...

"...leaving his stuff there. His lonely date night spread of beer, ham, and bug spray! The checker doesn't notice, he's ringing up someone.

"But then he finishes, and Big Ham hasn't come back! The checker doesn't know what to do, this guy's odd stew ingredients are just THERE.

"Then we hear someone yelling from the far side of the aisle. It's BIG HAM! And he's yelling, like "I'm coming! I'm coming," I think...

"So he runs to the checker, past all of us, and he's carrying the bundle like a precious baby, the items he forgot to get.

"What could it be? Did he forget life-saving medicines for his ailing grandmother? Did he forget to buy chains for his hostage?

"And he dumps the items on the belt, and I honest to god am holding my breath waiting to see what he bought...

"And it's ANOTHER BEER and MORE HAM.

"Some people say that Jaques Cousteau was a great adventurer, or Neil Armstrong. But they never faced the SHOPPING FURY of BIG HAM.

"Somewhere in Belo Horizonte, a man has dreamed of the grace of Heaven and it's filled with ham."

Now that we have arrived at the end of our story, tissues are available in the lobby for those overcome with emotion.